


This Is Me Trying

by mariannerod



Category: The Order (TV 2019)
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Funny, Love, Reconciliation, vermish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25673977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariannerod/pseuds/mariannerod
Summary: Meet the Dukes Part IIAfter their breakup Vera was not sure if everything will be okay, but she needed answers to the millions of questions her mind was generating every second.
Relationships: Hamish Duke/Vera Stone
Comments: 12
Kudos: 36





	This Is Me Trying

**Author's Note:**

> In order to read this one shot I recommend you to read Meet the Dukes first (if you haven't already).

**_“And what about that research paper you were doing last year?” His father asked_ **

**_“It was about some secret society that you wanted to unmask; I believe. I don’t know, the memories of that day are still blurry, but I remember that.”_ **

**_“I can’t lose you.”_ **

**_“It was last year, when we didn’t know each other. I swear. It’s in the past, Vera. You have some things that you will never tell me too and that’s okay.”_ **

****

**_“I don’t go around making mistakes and blaming you for not telling me about your past with your dead girlfriend, do I?”_ **

****

**_“I love you.”_ **

A week had passed since they were over, well, since Vera ended the relationship they had. She was strong, but she never thought that could happen; She never thought that the person she trusted most would betray her like that. He was her right hand, always helping her in the temple, how could she not see that he just wanted to use her? She had to learn the bad way in her past not to trust anyone, and she was doing well. Until now that she trusted someone again but look where that took her. The worst thing was that not only Hamish was her right hand, they were a couple. She has been having a hard time adjusting. Of course, she didn’t need a man to do her things in the Temple or in the University but, she misses him like never before. She missed his theories for absolutely everything. His “everything’s going to be okay, Vera.” One week made her feelings go crazy. Those damn feelings she wished she wouldn't feel right now.

_'It's only been a week, Vera. He's nobody.'_ She tried to tell herself over and over again, everything would be easier if there were no feelings in between. Vera has taken refuge in alcohol all day, it was Saturday and she didn't have to go to the University. It was her day off that she previously shared with Hamish. She didn’t know if she was more hurt because they had finished or angry because he had lied to her. Which she still didn't understand, why did he hide that from her for so long? He could have just told her the truth, but by lying to her he made her doubt everything he had told her at some point. He had called her a few times to her cell phone, but she didn't answer. Vera needed time to think, analyze and come to a conclusion.

_That night was the strongest she's had to face since her daughter's death._ _Nothing compares to the pain and emptiness that you feel that the person you loved has been using you the whole time. [_ _Or that's what she thought.]_ _That feeling of helplessness and wanting to destroy that person was consuming her._ _But she held on._ _On that night she thought at least five times to erase Hamish's memory and put other memories on him, make him leave the University and her life._ _Her other choice was to torture him, in cold blood with the glove of truth._ _But she was almost certain that he wasn't going to tell her the truth, and that thought terrified her. Even though she thought Hamish was going to lie to her, deep down she was hoping he doesn’t._ _She wanted all this to be false, or for him to have a good explanation of why he did what he did._ _But then she remembered how nervous and shaky he was when his father ratted him out._

She finished having the drink she had prepared a few minutes ago. She had reached a point where alcohol did not take effect, she could take it as water and felt nothing. _‘You're overacting Vera, you just ended a relationship.’_ She thought, the most it hurt her was his dishonesty. She stood up off the sofa and walked towards her mini bar, preparing another drink. Her phone rang and when she checked it was Hamish, she debated whether she should answer him or else. Her heart told her to do it, that she will lose nothing by trying, but her brain told her not to. She ended up deciding not to answer him, bit her lips and held her desire to scream and break everything. Her temper itself was bad, now it was worse. She sighed and walked into the living room with her drink in hand. She turned on the radio, God she needed to hear some music right now. Little did she know of what song was going to play.

**_Pulled the car off the road to the lookout_ **

**_Could’ve followed my fears all the way down_ **

**_And maybe I don’t quite know what to say_ **

**_But I’m here in your doorway_ **

****

**_I just wanted you to know that this is me trying_ **

She was so involved in her thoughts that the only thing she could pick up from the song that sounded in the background was that. The alcohol that was through her veins and mind whispered an idea to her and she did not deny it. She got up as she could from the sofa and went straight to her room to look for her purse and car keys. _‘Should I drive in this state?_ _Yes, I think so.’_ Vera asked in her mind.

She got on her car and headed towards Hamish's apartment. She turned on the radio in her car, because driving the car without music made her anxious.

**_And it’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound_ **

**_It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you_ **

The same song kept playing, the conscious self of Vera would have turned off the radio and rolled her eyes so hard that it could change the course of time. But this drunk Vera, was sick of keeping her feelings, she wanted to scream, cry maybe a little although the truth was that she hated crying, it disgusted her. But she wanted to feel or at least that was the alcohol talking.

When she arrived at the building, which Hamish was the owner, she parked and got out of the car. _“stupid rich boy that I fucking love for no damn reason.”_ She said, or well tried to say, the alcohol she had consumed was making effect now. She entered the building and took the elevator, "What number was it? What number was it?" She wondered herself, she didn’t remember very well the floor number in which Hamish's apartment was located, maybe her conscious self knew it but right now all she could remember was the times Hamish indiscreetly pushed her against the elevator wall and kissed her. “ _If you had been more aware of what floor number he marked every time you went to his apartment, none of this might be happening to you_.” Thank God a woman no more than 30 walked into the elevator with her, so she took the opportunity to ask her.

“Excuse me, you don't happen to know the floor of Hamish Duke's apartment? I mean, the owner.” Vera asked confidently, the woman looked at her up and down and smiled.

“Yes, is the third floor, 124, I think… Are you okay?” She asked.

“Me? Yes, I’m okay. Thank you.” Vera answered, touching the button number 3.

When the elevator stopped on floor number 3, Vera went out and walked down the hall looking for door number 124. She found it and felt a little tingle in her stomach. _‘Damn butterflies, you all can die and leave me alone. Nervousness is for weak people.’_ She thought, with her dagger she always carried with her made a cut on her palm and said a spell to open the door.

“Aperire Cincinno” Within seconds the door opened, and Vera smiled pleased with what she had managed to do. She gently entered the apartment, looking all over in case he was inside but no, there was no one. Before she did what she came to do, she looked at the mini bar that Hamish had and took the first bottle she found. She opened it and took a sip of it. Then she began her search for anything that ratted him out and didn't care what scramble she left while she searched.

So, she went straight to the little bookshelf and threw the books to the floor as she read its title one by one. None had anything to do with The Order, so she went to the room that she knew very well. She searched the closet, and nothing. Vera didn't know if the tiredness she was feeling was from all the alcohol she's been consuming or if it was because she couldn't find anything. She sighed deep and headed towards the bed, looked under it to see if she could find any boxes, but no, what she did find was a bra [clearly hers] lying there. “There you are, I thought I'd lost you.” She said when she took the bra in her hands.

“Vera?” A male voice rang in the bedroom and Vera jumped out of the scare. “What are you doing?”

“I…was looking for… this.” She said, showing him the bra, Hamish closed his eyes not believing her.

“My apartment says something else, it's messier than how I left it. How did you get in?" Hamish remembered that the day after they finished Vera had thrown him the key he had given her of the apartment.

“Magic? Anyways, I don’t have to give you explanations. Now, I have to go.” She said walking to the door, but before she could leave the bedroom, he held her by the arm preventing her from leaving. “Excuse me, disciple I would like to leave. Now give me back my arm.” Vera said loudly.

“Are you drunk?” He asked watching her stumble a little, oh she was definitely drunk. And when he looked to the side, he saw an empty wine bottle on the floor.

“Pfft, of course not. Stop asking questions.” She was annoyed, not because he was asking all that stupid questions but because he had found her in his apartment.

“You are drunk,” Hamish said, walking to the kitchen and filling a glass with water. He took the glass of water to Vera for her to take it, but she didn't. She looked at the glass and then to him and shook her head, causing Hamish to roll his eyes.

“When I was born, they didn't put much patience in me,” He started talking. “but you've taken care of me being more patient than I’m supposed to. Take the glass with water, Vera.”

“You talking about patience?” She snorted. “I'm the one who has to be patient with all of you.” She said, Hamish brought up the glass with water and this time she took it, rolling her eyes and whispering something…

…

“Vera, what are you doing in here? Do you want to talk about what happened?” Hamish asked, when she looked less drunk.

“Okay fine! I broke into your apartment because I wanted to find proof that you had information of The Order.” Vera ended up saying why her visit to the apartment.

“And you didn’t find anything because like I said I never really started searching for it.” He answered walking to his mini bar and fixed himself a drink.

“Why did you lie to me?” Vera finally asked, with a soft tone.

“I didn’t want you to mistrust me. I thought that if I said that before we met I was planning on taking you down, you will stop whatever we had at the time. I didn’t want to lose you.” He said, sitting down on his sofa.

“But lying to me was worse, because now I can't stop thinking that you used me.” Vera said, copying him by sitting on the sofa.

“But I didn’t used you, that’s the thing, Vera. Before we met, The Knights wanted to unmask The Order. But then I met you and everything stopped, I couldn't hurt you. That's why I used the pulveris memoria on my parents, I wanted them to forget about it, but as we know, it doesn't last long,” He said, holding Vera's hand in his. “I know it was completely my fault, I should’ve known better. Please forgive me.”

She was analyzing everything thoroughly. Everything he had said was making sense, and she somehow knew that he was saying the truth. Vera closed her eyes and a tear rolled down her left cheek. Almost immediately she wiped the tear, hoping he didn’t saw that.

“Hey, it’s okay. I understand why you reacted the way you did. You don’t have to be scared of showing vulnerability in front of me.” Hamish said, ‘ _stop talking or else I will fucking keep crying’_ Vera thought.

“I don’t like crying; it makes me feel weak.” She said, looking anywhere instead of his eyes. It was true, she felt weak. The reason she was crying right now, was of relief. Relief that he truly loved her, that he didn’t used her.

“You are the contrary of weak, Vera.” Hamish said, bringing his hand up to her chin and making her to look at him. She gave him a weak smile.

“The last time I cried was the day I drank the juice the Prometherians gave me, joining their hive mind and casting a spell on them that makes them feel all the pain of my life-” Vera started talking but Hamish interrupted her.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, Vera.” He said.

“I- I want to.” Vera said, playing with her ring. He smiled letting her to continue. “I usually block all of my memories, I already lived them, why would I want to remember them every time? But that day they resurfaced from the deepest part of my mind. The feeling of loss was again heavy in my heart; for so long I haven’t had that feeling. It felt like the first damn time. That feeling of heaviness in my heart came back when I heard about your plan. The thought of you using me to get what you want, made something break inside me. I don’t usually let anyone be near me, not until I met _you_. So, I thought of all those times that I shared some pieces of me to you and how maybe everything was just a sick game. I freaked.” Vera finished talking, she looked up to his face and saw how his eyes had a little spark.

“I’m deeply sorry to have made you feel that way, it never was my intention. I love you more than you can imagine.” Hamish apologized and she couldn’t wait, so she pressed her lips against his, putting both of her hands-on Hamish’s cheeks. Hamish brought her closer to him by putting one hand on her waist. Raising his hand up to her neck and caressing it softly.

“I love you too, by the way.” She said between kisses with a soft tone, almost like a whisper. A whisper that lit the passion they were building up in that space.

“I know.” Hamish said, smiling. And with that they both concluded what was a very bad experience and that neither of them would want to live it again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the one shot that I owed you all, sorry for breaking your heart. But if you want to blame something or someone, blame Taylor Swift for releasing the song This Is Me Trying and giving me the idea for this one shot. Hope you all like it, and thanks for reading.


End file.
